The Six P’s

Prior planning prevents piss poor performance. Those words were uttered to me long ago by a college mentor turned dear friend, and they have been proven salient at multiple times in my life.

It was a lesson that Hillary Clinton must have learned too. In what feels like a lifetime ago, during one of those trainwreck debates, Hillary remarked to Donald that, yes, it was true – she prepared and practiced for the debate, and she was proud of that fact. She also memorably claimed she “prepared to be President.” Ah, preparation!

Clearly and painfully, blue America and red America saw those debates differently. Oh, and the anyone but Hillary or Donald crowd saw it differently as well as the “Bernie or Bust” crew. But as someone who appreciates prior planning in his own life, I relished the sentiment and her preparation. To me, America had a choice and we had to choose between an adult and a child – between someone who could construct sentences and someone who could not. Between someone who read briefing books and someone who was proud they did not.

Well, America chose – in various ways, and so here we sit. Donald Trump became President but never learned the lesson of the Six P’s. Finally, that choice to be unprepared and to consistently wing it like a hungover college student stumbling to class determined to take his midterm anyway has come back to bite him in his gigantic orange ass.

I won’t make this post about Hillary. Hillary, I am sure, feels disappointment, but she is off in Chappaqua counting her millions and will still go down in history for several accomplishments and “firsts.” I am sure she is also overjoyed that while the Republicans were great at coming up with silly chants like “lock her up,” jail time is clearly not in the cards for her and as things stand now that can’t be said for the Trump folks. Where is Alanis Morrisette to bust out into a rendition of “Ironic?”

And another thing…

FLYNN TOLD YOU FOOLS HE WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION BY THE F.B.I. before YOU HIRED HIM!!! BEFORE! BEFORE! BEFORE! The absurdity of this is equivalent to the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when Miranda, played by Sally Field, learns at the restaurant Bridges that Daniel has been parading around in her house dressed up as a woman, Mrs. Doubtfire, and screams the “WHOLE TIME” about three times. It’s just that shocking for poor Miranda.

Sorry, for that digression and lack of a proper transition but, yes, it’s that sort of nonsense that seems to be leaking out daily that could spell doom for these people! Prior planning people!

What is the matter with these people? Let’s be clear – NO ONE DOES THIS. Not Obama, Bush, Clinton, H.W. Bush, Reagan, Carter…NO ONE. President’s don’t hire National Security Advisers who they know are under investigation and then give them the highest levels of security clearance. Sheesh! The insanity of that is almost unbelievable, but what did we expect?

Who can come and check my blood pressure?

Anyway, back to the Six P’s. So Mr. Trump personally asked Comey to drop the F.B.I. investigation into Flynn. Now, anyone who knows their history or THE LAW – knows you can’t do that. Obstruction of justice is a thing, and it does not fall into the fake news category. You cannot do that! But Mr. Trump doesn’t know this because, as I mentioned, he does not like to read and certainly is no student of history. He doesn’t know this because he is incapable of believing that he could be at fault and that his performance as President could be, well, piss poor!

I mean someone could have told him talking to Comey was a bad idea back in February. Hell, someone could have told him that firing Comey this week would have been a disaster as well. A little preparation, a bit of reading, a discussion, and healthy dose of discipline could have prevented this.

Prior planning prevents piss poor performance, Mr. Trump. It is usually never too late to learn, but I am not sure you can teach a 70-year-old dog new tricks.

Folks, There’s Nothing To See Here But A Brand New Bag of Shiny Balls

While the words in the title of this post have not been uttered by the President or his cronies yet, at this point, they might as well have been. Give Sean time folks, give him some time. Things are getting dicey so who knows what they will say or do next.

There are lots of glittery balls in the air these days with reporters batting them around like little puppies. A red one! A blue one! Will we get a yellow one? Oh, look this one has just been pumped full of fresh air! Sigh. It’s really rather unfortunate. I decided to recount some of my favorites below:

1) Not only did President Obama wiretap Trump Tower, but his behavior has also been much worse than that. The former President was so desperate to implicate Trump in something, he took the unusual step to scale Trump Tower donning a ski mask, with suction cups on his hands and feet, peering into the Trump family penthouse and snapping pictures in an attempt to get dirt. The former President turned up empty handed and the only thing he saw was Melania dancing with glee because she has yet to be forced to leave her gilded palace and move to the White House.

2) Last year, Hillary Clinton received questions from Donna Brazille before her debate with Trump – as President Trump continues to remind us. (As an aside, has anyone informed Trump she lost?) But that’s not the real scandal. The real scandal is that she will receive the debate questions in the 2020 election too, regardless as to whether or not she is a candidate. Because Hillary is a Clinton, she will then offer to sell the questions to whichever candidate is willing to pay the most for them. How do we know this? We know this because we know and the President will provide evidence of his knowledge into future events when he sees fit because that’s what he does.

3) Not only did Susan Rice “unmask” American’s partaking in dubious contacts with shady Russian folks, she also “unmasked” a man named Carl who pretended to be a caveman in one of the Scooby-Doo episodes. Oh, you didn’t know Scooby-Doo had a fifth character who was black? Well, that’s because the liberal media hasn’t reported the story. Susan Rice has been unmasking people for decades. Wait and see, this will be the scandal – if only the media would cover it!

So many scandals – so many untold stories! Look into – they are all true!

Also, for good measure and not to be forgotten – Tupac and Biggie are still alive and the Moon is made of cheese. I hear it’s a tasty Vermont cheddar. Let’s cover this too. Tweets and Fox News commentary are sure to follow.

Ok, I had to have a little fun with all of this, but the level of absurdity is off the charts. And as absurd as my version of the “news” is – is it really that absurd? Washington has gone completely off the rails. We have a President who will say anything and yet, when it counts, says nothing at all (see his Syria Press Conference today as an example). I mean is everyone taking shots of bong water and eating bath salts as appetizers?

Everyone needs to keep their eyes on the ball – one ball.  The ball is Russia and this White House, not a bunch of people out of office and out of power. Can we give the American electorate, the media, and our politicians a dose of Adderall. Pay attention!

It is worth repeating the following until everyone understands the gravity of the situation.

The FBI is investigating the sitting President and his pals for possible collusion with a foreign government in an attempt to sway an election through hacking and possibly other backroom deals and shenanigans. We are a democracy so it’s sort of a big deal to think an outside adversarial government had a favorite in the race and worked to get that person elected. It’s even a bigger deal if those same individuals knew about the plan and worked with the adversarial government.

We are a democracy, so it’s sort of a big deal to think an outside adversarial government had a favorite in the race and worked to get that person elected – to the detriment of the other candidate. It’s even a bigger deal if one of those campaigns knew about the plan and worked with an adversarial government against an American election.

Why the hell don’t more people care about this? If we don’t care about this as a country, then what’s the point of continuing this little democratic experiment? Let’s just let a handful of folks pick people to be President. Better yet, they don’t even have to be American to do the picking.

The FBI is also reportedly creating a separate unit that will continue looking into this issue, which would be a sign of an expanding investigation – not a shrinking one. A new connection to Russia is found almost daily. This is the story no matter how much certain folks allege Susan Rice apparently behaved like Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched for political purposes (if that is to be believed). Nevermind what her actual job was and why she would “unmask” someone.

 

President Trump can deny everything and call it “fake news.” Sean Spicer can tap dance until he is out of breath and red in the face. I mean, honestly, the man is going to beat-box next in an effort to deflect. Kellyanne can offer up alternative facts. Ivanka can be brought out to be pretty and say nice things about women. The Trump team can continue to razzle dazzle the populace until they catch wise, but there is always the chance they will catch wise! I mean people will catch wise. Maybe not everyone, but enough.

More importantly, where there is smoke there is usually fire and anytime someone repeatedly tells you, move along there is nothing to see here folks – there is probably something to see.

 

Like Virginal Adolescents Primed to Score!

I was in the shower last night when I received a text message from a friend telling me that The Washington Post had broken a story that Attorney General Jeff Sessions apparently did speak with the Russian ambassador before the election and that he lied under oath about that during testimony to Congress.

I read the text and resumed my bathing. Ok, I realize it may be a bit of an overshare to state I was in the shower, but that is how I learned the news. Oh, and yes, my phone usually travels with me – even to the bathroom. You’re learning some stuff about me whether you wanted to or not!

This is big news, but I was almost emotionless. This has to be the umpteenth connection and fishy fact we have learned, and we just keep chugging along like business as usual. Russia and all the connections the White House seems to have to Russia have to be part of a reality show we are not aware of at this point, right? Is America on Candid Camera?

I suppose I could have named this post, From Russia From Love – Part Three, but as there seems to be no shortage of stories on this subject, I can do that another time at this rate probably sometime next week.

I began this draft last night but wanted to tweak a few things and figured I would just post today. Of course, between yesterday and today this entire thing has blown up and, once again, the White House looks super shady. What was all of this preoccupation with Russia about? This pesky day job of mine can get in the way of staying caught up with the madness.

THERE IS SOMETHING TO THIS STORY! It’s like we’re searching for rotten food in our refrigerator at the moment. Lots of junk in the Tupperware and you can smell the stench and you think you’re getting warmer to solving the smelly puzzle, but in which container? Where is the spoiled, disgusting leftover meat?

The problem we have here is that the Republican Party is so close to getting what they have always wanted. They’re virginal adolescents with boobs in front of them just waiting to be touched. They are finally about to score politically – they can feel it. The boobs are the power to choose Supreme Court justices and effect the balance of the court. If Trump remains in office for four years and manages to be re-elected (God help us), that’s at least two judges at a minimum and that’s real power.

They’re gawking at the booty too and the booty is the ability to make changes to Medicare and Medicaid, gut Obamacare, destroy the EPA, slash taxes again for the wealthy and corporations, increase military spending and so much more. Maybe we will hear about privatizing social security again. These Republicans have many dirty fantasies about destroying what remains of the safety net in this country.

Maybe we will hear about privatizing Social Security again. These Republicans have many dirty fantasies about destroying what remains of the safety net in this country, who knows what they have up their sleeves. Let me not be so partisan, they would say they are trying to save money for the good of the country

But despite their boners, they smell the stench too and are choosing to hold their noses, ignore it, and grin because they know they are about to get laid. America was almost ruined, ruined I tell ya because Hillary Clinton had a private e-mail server. Meanwhile, our President might be owned by a foreign government, and you know, everyone is calm as a Southern belle sipping a Mint Julep on her front porch.

So when my dear friend informed me of this latest outrage last night, I almost shrugged. Not because I don’t care, not because it’s not a story, but because I have no faith anyone will do the right thing. Elections have consequences, and the 2016 election is proving to have significant implications.

Until it becomes politically untenable for them not to investigate, we are going to keep stuffing the Russia dirt under the rug – the law, the Constitution, and our republic be damned. When you have control of all the branches of government and your boner is pointing at all political boobs and booty you’ve alway wanted, you’re probably not going to do the right thing for the long-term health of the republic.

I have also mentioned, and I must again, this horrendous affliction of spineless and ball shrinkage in Washington. There seems to be no cure – it’s really unfortunate, probably the worse outbreak of spinelessness and ball-less politicians we have seen in decades.

Nixon was undone for covering up a petty break-in, and Clinton was almost destroyed by perjuring himself about a personal indiscretion. In 2017, what’s the political consequence about covering up several ties to a foreign government which has historically been diametrically opposed to the goals and values of the United States government? I mean it’s only an itsy bitsy problem. Who knows, I guess time will tell. I suppose we should all keep searching through that refrigerator for the stench. The sad thing is that I believe we have a long way before this scandal truly blows up and resolves itself.

 

 

Leslie Knope for President

I have been late to the party in understanding the current sentiment of a sizeable chunk of the American electorate. The aversion to the establishment, facts, and being told what to do. The electorate is like a rebellious child. Being told no or what cannot be done, no matter how unreasonable or detrimental, is the worst thing ever.

But as we firmly cement ourselves into Trump’s America, I have gained an understanding. All the things I thought were important aren’t, or at least to enough people in Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin. We have proudly entered the age of the glorification of the unthinkable and the absurd. The more an action seems to defy what has been normal, the better.

Which brings me to my new love of Parks and Recreation. I was late to this party as well, my husband having sung the praises of this show for years while it was actually airing. But now that I have begun binge watching, I have totally fallen in love.

It is such a quirky and funny show. I just adore Leslie Knope and her eternal optimism and belief in government, which got me to thinking? Why can’t Leslie Knope be President? Don’t roll your eyes, I am as serious as Trump supporters who claim he is more moral than President Obama.

A thrice-married repeatedly bankrupt reality t.v. star, with zero government experience, is now the most powerful man in the world with access to the nuclear codes. This has motivated me to jump on the bandwagon of supporting the seemingly impossible. I am starting a petition. Leslie Knope in 2020! Hey, at least my candidate has been in government before – even if it was just a studio set.

Ok, you’re still rolling your eyes. Listen, I am not good at math, but this is all just as probable if not more so than Trump promising all those poor, unemployed downtrodden coal mine workers that he was bringing their jobs back. He squawked about it all campaign long and people fell for it, and other things. Why can’t people fall for Leslie Knope?

So I am starting a petition. Now, presumably, Amy Poehler will need to be willing to run as Leslie Knope and remain in character at all times. Who can convince her? Tina Fey maybe? Picture Leslie Knope on the phone with Putin or crushing on Canada’s Justin Trudeau? Imagine the great television!

You can’t tell me that this would be too far? The American electorate has just proven in this last election we can and will do anything. Nothing seems to be a bridge too far. No experience, no problem. A sexist pig, no problem. A racist, no problem. A pussy grabber, no problem. So why can’t we vote for an actress to remain in character as our President for four to eight years? We will have the added intrigue of never truly knowing what are Amy’s thoughts as Amy and Amy’s thoughts while thinking about what Leslie the character would do.

And we like shiny and new – so nothing would be more new and cutting edge than having an actress, playing a role, as our first female President. Sorry Hillary, it just wasn’t meant to be for you. God knows I love you, but those e-mails made you the worst thing since Lady Macbeth, so I have to move on to Plan B. For what it’s worth, before Kate McKinnon gave the world her best Mrs. Clinton, Amy Poehler did an awesome Hillary back in 2008 on Saturday Night Live – so in a weird way, Amy will bring Hillary with her in spirit. See, this all works!

But think about it, Amy Poehler has no government experience. Apparently, the less experience the better. Americans now like their Presidents inexperienced and ill prepared. It’s en vogue. Being President may be the hardest job on Earth, why would anyone need to be experienced?

But for those few people who care about experience, Leslie has experience. All of Leslie’s years at the Pawnee Parks Department, which is more government experience than the current President! A loyal civil servant always interested in doing the right thing. And to make it even more fun, Leslie should bring along the Parks and Recreation cast to fill her main cabinet posts. Hey, if we think Rex Tillerson will be tough as Secretary of State, that man will have nothing on Ron Swanson. What about slimy Tom Haverford as Treasury Secretary?

Lastly, what if with the transition of power from a Trump Presidency to a Knope Presidency, the mockumentary film style comes to the White House! How awesome would it be if we had that now? You know there are some wild conversations taking place in the Oval Office that we’re missing.

No, Mr. President, you can’t hang up on Angela Merkel even if you think she’s unattractive and a bitch. No, Mr. President, you can’t just build a wall, we have this thing called Congress and they give you funding. No, Mr. President, it is not a good thing if we have a new nuclear arms race.

Imagine being able to watch Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer chasing Trump around the Oval trying to snatch his phone so he can’t tweet. We are living through a Presidency via twitter, why not through a mockumentary in 2020?

A potential Knope Presidency brought to you by Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope has tons to offer the country. Entertainment is more important than policy we learned long ago and who better to entertain than a comedic actress of Ms. Poehler’s talents? I think I have proved my case and solved the problem for the Democrats. Now, all we have to decide is who we can get to run with her for Vice-President?

 

 

 

 

Betsy Grizzly Devos

Betsy Grizzly Devos was confirmed by the Senate as the next Secretary of Education in a shameful display of cronyism. Republicans beholden to long-time donors, the Devos family, voted an eminently unqualified nominee. Constituents and conscience be damned, there are campaign coffers to be filled!  This isn’t exactly unusual, but except two Republicans, the entire party fell in line.

I assumed that because grizzly bears, among other troubling answers, were referenced in response to a serious issue like guns in schools, Senators would take their scrotums out of their desk drawers, dust them off, reattach them – if for only a day, and do the right thing.

Alas, I also thought the country would get over Hillary Clinton’s e-mail scandal, if it was an issue for them, and hold their nose and vote for her because she was the qualified and rational choice. Wrong again!

Democrats, like the Atlanta Falcons this past Sunday, put up a good fight but were unable to stop the inevitable.

Jeff Sessions is up next for confirmation as Attorney General and the futile all night slumber party that the Democrats pulled with Mrs. Devos is being planned again with Sessions. As with Devos, it is unlikely to yield the desired result. These Republicans truly are like The New England Patriots, almost universally hated and derided it seems, but successful and seemingly unstoppable.

In keeping with my sports analogy, to be a Democrat these days is like being a Chicago Bears or a Cleveland Browns. To be a Democrat these days is to be a loser, accept we are not dealing with touchdowns and field goals, but laws and policies that will really affect people’s lives. It’s rather unfortunate. The Democrats need a new head coach and fast.

It would have been nice to have a few more Republicans defect and not support her nomination as she was so bad, so unusually awful.

Ms. Betsy, that’s what I am going to call her, because the poor thing, bless her heart, was so ill-prepared during her confirmation hearing. Those Democratic Senators were like starving animals salivating over a piece of meat and taking generous chunks out of her until there was nothing left.

Ms. Betsy looked doe-eyed and confused, like a little girl being told by her parents she was off to the ice cream shop, only to end up at the dentist. It was as if she were senile and the fact that she had a confirmation hearing that day was the first she heard of the ordeal. Who? What? Capitol Hill? The entire thing was unfortunate.  But more likely than not, because she’s so obscenely rich and probably doesn’t wipe her own derriere, she assumed her wealth would preclude her from questioning – that her wealth alone was the only necessary requirement.

The entire thing was unfortunate.  But more likely than not, because she’s so obscenely rich and probably doesn’t wipe her own posterior, she assumed her wealth would preclude her from questioning – that her wealth alone was the only necessary requirement. Between the pearly whites she flashed and those Benjamins her family had dispensed previously, she probably assumed that was all that was necessary.

I am not rich, which is a shame because I would take part in all sorts of hobbies – like skiing and yachting or whatever else rich people do. I’d garden and cook like the Barefoot Contessa and send my Jeffrey to the market (in my case Andrew). I would not, however, choose the dismantling of the public education system of the United States as my hobby of choice. Come on Betsy, are you sure you don’t have a spa retreat you’d rather attend? Go be a lady who lunches as God intended.

I don’t want to be on the losing team, but I am.  Devos, Sessions, Tillerson, et al. – they are all in. And, for the record, Democrats have been losing the battle of ideas and policy for a bit now. Hillary Clinton is the easy scapegoat, but when you look at the 2010 and 2014 midterm elections and the loss of Governorships across the country, the problem is not and was not simply Hillary Clinton.

Elections have consequences and the Trump White House is proving how accurate and telling the adage is daily.

 

The School of Donald and Mariah

The world has now had a full day to process and recover from the steaming pile of excrement that Mariah Carey wrapped up in glitter, sequins, and smiles – hurl it at our television screens – and attempt to sell it as a performance.

The venerable diva would have no shortage of self-esteem it seems, even if she left her vocal chords at home, which considering her profession should be a big no-no.

The amount of ego one most possesses to basically say, my earpiece didn’t work so I am going to prance about in my shiny onesie, with a plastered on smile, and make the audience sing is a sight to behold. Does your voice not work either? It appears she didn’t even try to salvage her performance under the pretext that she is so great and we all know she is great, so all I need to do is saunter about and look cute in front of millions of people. It must be great to know you’re great.

Gurl, bye.

The diva routine she cultivated somewhere around the year 2000 became stale long ago, and whatever crown she thinks is on her head indeed shattered and crashed to the ground on New Year’s Eve 2016. If you are a singer, who can’t sing then what are you exactly? The thing is, though, I don’t think she knows that or sees it that way and why should she – she’s worth millions, has tons of fans, and surely will book some other gig.

And then there is our President-elect. He suffers from the same affliction. Uncontrollable ego and narcissism. He doesn’t seem to know and fully grasp either that he lost the Popular Vote by 2 million plus votes and is only President-elect because of a total of about 100,000 votes in three states – which is basically a small city. That’s not a sign of greatness on his part, it’s a sign the Clinton campaign screwed up.

If I say I am great, even if it isn’t so, it must be true! What a sickness to have. How nice it must be for Donald and Mariah to be reigning Kings and Queens of mediocrity and not lose anything for it. Let the average American put on their “best Donald or Mariah” at their place of business and see how long it would be before they were, as Donald liked to say, “fired!”

People want to be entertained, and even if Mariah bombed, her mess was entertaining – for all the wrong reasons. I fear we have entered the same territory in our politics. Why attempt to be a statesman, have any policy beliefs, not flip-flop within a day, when you entertain the masses, and you win. You can sort of lip-synch your way into the presidency.

The King of Twitter did this. His mic was on, words have been coming out of his mouth, but he told us nothing and when he did it usually was nonsense. He gets on stage, smiles, does his routine – and it blew –  but after every insult and every diatribe he was, and still is, rewarded. More screen time. Power. More tweets. It all worked and his “efforts” culminated with his securing of the presidency.

The thing about Mariah is that she’s harmless. If she wants to lip-synch until her dying day and grocery shop in five-inch heels, so be it. Bring on the entertainment. Bring on the circus. With our President-elect, however, when he is done with his tour (oh wait, he really did one of those) I wonder what’s left when the joke wears off and everyone stops laughing. What’s next for the world and our country?

 

 

 

Goodbye 2016 Plus 10 Things I Want For 2017

I will refrain from joining the chorus of voices on social media extolling the horror and dread they have felt over the course of 2016 by making a post explicitly about that topic. Although, I agree that 2016 has been like the world’s worst boss – somehow in charge of decision making but every decision made seems to be the wrong one.

But enough of that, instead, I will share my hopes for 2017 in no particular order.

First and foremost, who is going to tell the Emperor that he has no clothes? Yes, our country can now be summed up by the children’s book The Emperor’s New Clothes. It has come to this. We have elected a President-elect whose orange and tanned celluloid ass is exposed for the world to see and he doesn’t seem to notice or care about the brisk winds of problems blowing against his crack. He walks around smugly, admits to not reading briefings, has no convictions, butchers the English language, insults, demeans, and tweets  – TWEETS – about issues of national importance on a medium used by every Joe Blow.

Where is that vampiress and stealer of souls Kellyanne Conway to make this stop? But really between now and January 20th, can someone enroll the President-elect in an 8th-grade History course? If that is not available can we get him that Schoolhouse Rock video “I’m Just a Bill” because he also seems confused about separation of powers and what he can actually do alone as President?

Lastly, before someone says Hillary Clinton lost the election and to get over it, I will “get over it” once the President-elect begins to behave presidentially as his been historically expected in this country. I am not sure why a collective decision was made by the electorate and the media to say – this particular guy does not have to play by the rules and norms that have served our democracy well for 240 years.

I want to “get over it” and even give Agent Orange a chance, but he refuses to give me the opportunity. He will need to earn my support by his deeds and actions, and a start could be NOT praising a Russian dictator and murderer as “smart” while insulting the current and sitting President – via Twitter as he did yesterday.

Second, I hope that all the Trump supporters realize the error of their vote and while they don’t have to publicly admit they were wrong, or even declare they have tired of their no policy belief reality star, I hope they secretly go to the ballot box in 2020 and help to undo the horror they have unleashed upon the country and the world.

Third, I hope that God, the universe, the force…whatever is out there…decides to spare a celebrity or two. Specifically, hands off my Madonna. Her music and reincarnations have provided a soundtrack of sorts for my own life so her demise would sadden me immensely.

Fourth, I hope and pray for a muzzle for Mr. Kanye West and while we’re at an invisibility cloak too as I’d prefer not to hear or see him. Seriously, Mr. West lost quality person points with me long ago for a variety of reasons (hello Taylor Swift, Beyonce obsession), but walking out of Trump Tower this month with the President-elect was the last straw. Really dude? Goodbye.

Five, I want Americans and our political leaders to wake up and agree – once and for all – that climate change is real. It’s not a hoax, it’s not the Loch Ness Monster that no one can see and feel – it’s science people. We can see view time-lapsed footage of sea ice melting in the Arctic. It’s science and science is a great thing. And no, just because it snows does not mean there is not climate change – not what it’s about people. Let’s start believing in science again and making sound policy based on facts.

Six, and if I am writing this blog at the end of 2017, I, unfortunately, suspect it will be on the list again, but I am going to need men – usually old white Republican men – to get their sticky fingers off the wombs of American women and out of their medicine cabinets. LET IT GO. Reproductive rights and reproductive choices should solely be made by women. I mean, honestly, perspective is a peculiar thing. If we are so concerned about life, I propose we fund, with federal dollars, a roving Masturbation Unit that somehow magnetically screens for boners and hard-ons in households (don’t say it can’t be done folks, we went to the moon. Science is an amazing thing!). If no woman is present, clearly we’re not procreating, the criminal masturbatory act should be stopped at once. Suppose we will need to the roving police to enforce this. Maybe we can use the same folks who are expected to round up the 11 million Mexicans from their homes as proposed by the naked Emperor. Not sure if we propose a fine for males caught in the act or possibly prison time for the murder of ejaculate hitting the floor. Sperm is life too folks. Oh, our ridiculous patriarchal society. Leave women alone on this issue once and for all damn it!

Seven, criminal justice reform. We have to stop killing unarmed black men. It’s not new, technology has just made it visible. I am too exasperated about this topic today to say much more than that. There is a problem, and those that claim there isn’t most likely aren’t a person of color and are wrapped up, and are the beneficiary, of some sort of societal privilege.

Eight, more of Kate McKinnon and Alec Baldwin on Saturday Night Live. If we have to live through a Trump presidency, we will need to erect a protective bubble around these two to ensure that they are always around to comedically lambaste the orange one for his seemingly enduring and unwavering stupidity.

Nine, my hope is for Hillary Rodham Clinton to find a new cause to champion. After the scorched Earth election that was 2016 and the years/months leading up to it, people probably have forgotten that this woman had approval ratings in the high 50s and mid-60s during her years as Secretary of State. It wasn’t until she sought power again that she suddenly was all at once was too weak,  an evil socialist mastermind, too corrupt, not warm enough, too robotic, too desperate, too rehearsed, too prepared, the moral equivalent to Trump, racist, not liberal enough, had the audacity to use a private server, worst that Nixon, couldn’t please her husband, didn’t leave her philandering husband, and the list went on and on.

But before all of this, this was a person who was on the front lines on issues like healthcare and children’s advocacy and in the trenches for a long time. A woman just as educated as her husband – had a career of her own. Unlike our current President-elect, she actually had a public record. The brutal sexism that reared its ugly head in 2016 should be a lesson to us all that we still have work to do on this front. Our country also needs to acknowledge that we have not had any Hillary Rodham Clinton’s and I don’t think we knew exactly what to do with her.  A woman who in her actions was basically saying I am just as strong, just as capable, just as ambitious (gasp!), just as capable of leading this nation.

We can write the entire thing off and make it about all of her failings, but it’s truly about us. It’s about what we value, how we perceive information and facts, and how we view women seeking power and authority. A large segment of the population chose an openly bigoted, thrice married, philandering fool who can barely construct a proper sentence. A man who has said he will make our country great without telling anyone how, while openly admitting he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know and he doesn’t care to know. That, folks, is not Hillary Rodham Clinton’s problem or about her damn e-mails. At the end of the day, women have to be perfect, white men can be mediocre and flawed as can be. Yes, I said white men because a black man would not be allowed near the Oval Office if he had three baby mama’s – and that’s real talk.

I hope that she is relaxed, not too depressed, and realizes she has had an incredible career in both the private and public sector, and that despite how boring and unlike her husband or President Obama in her oratory skills, her tenacity alone made her an inspirational figure to millions of people. I hope that she does not allow Donald Trump of all people to end her career.

Ten, I wish that all of my friends and loved ones have a glorious and prosperous 2017. It is a crazy world with so much seemingly out of our control, but we can choose to be decent and to share a kind word. To stand up for our beliefs when challenged and to do our part, in our own little spheres, to protect the marginalized. We can follow our own dreams and hearts and hopefully bring a little light into the world. See look what I did there – ending on a note of positivity!

Happy New Year everyone!